Goodbye.

I knew in that moment that we were never going to be friends in the same way. And as much as it broke my heart, I knew it was going to come eventually; I knew for a while, I just pushed the idea on the outskirts of my head. Even though it broke my heart, it was a breath of fresh air, and I knew I would be able to escape from all the bullshit. Twelve years under the belt, just like the ten before. But life does go on. And we grow into our selves. Just as I said to her when we were kids, "no matter what, we will always be who we are." She never understood it, but perhaps she does now, and I hope you do too. But I also hope you reflect intensely on why this end has to be. I am not going to sink anymore. I am going to float on my own and will not be pulled down again. I am going to appreciate the world and actually SEE. Me.

I am strong. I am ready for anything. Even the most painful. I hope.

the worst thing is not being able to stop yourself from crying.

I want a future with him, but it can't be a one way street. There has to be a point where we further our relationship and live together, or it will remain the same: apart.

Enough Said.

Haha, I miss them.

Thanksgivin!

Whole Foods turkey with amniotic fluids and dingleberries. Wtf?

Current Thought

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001941/

I guess it never ceases to amaze me that people who have major depression just drag you down with them. I hope that one day I will be able to not suck in the bad energy that encompasses this shit.

8tracks

http://8tracks.com/bananaramaz

Hey everybody! Check out my 8tracks and enjoy the tunes I've put together.

Volpe the Shiba Inu Returns (#2)

I want to add more pictures of Volpe because I've noticed there have been a great deal of views on the last blog!

As I mentioned before, Volpe will allow anyone to dress him up with clothing or bling. Here are a few examples. The first image (below) was taken by my Mum's boyfriend just this morning. Volpe was whining for a bagel with cream cheese that was being consumed just a foot away, and this seemed like a good opportunity to put a hat on him after he perched himself on the couch. The second image (above) was taken last year by my mum after she put on some of her boyfriend's motorcycle garb. Volpe really doesn't mind when anyone puts a scarf or hat on him for some reason. He literally will sit there and be glamorous for the camera. My theory is that he is just too damn lazy to care, haha. Plus, I think he knows how adorable he is and he can't pass up attention.


The next photo was taken by my mum recently. I received this over text and couldn't help but laugh my face off because it describes Volpe so well. As I mentioned, when he doesn't want to move, or go on a walk, he will roll on his back and force himself into a deep sleep. He loves to sleep like this in general in the morning, and this image is what we wake up to sometimes. I don't think I've seen a dog look THAT happy before, to the point that he just lets it all hang out. It really doesn't get any better for this Shiba. He could sleep ALL day if he could, but we have to take him on walks eventually. He must have a pretty solid bladder for how long he can hold it all in...I still don't know how he does it. Well, enjoy his rubbery lips and fangs!

The last image is one I took about two years ago in the car. Volpe loves his car rides and falls asleep in seconds, no surprise there. I love this picture because he is a beautiful Shiba and I think it truly captures him in all his glory. You can also see his cinnamon bun tail!

Daniel, the jumping robot.

My baby cousin is easily entertained, like a cat, with any type of box. Here he is hopping around and pretending to be a robot at my Cousin's bridal shower way back when.

A Part of Me.

Volpe the Shiba Inu

Meet my dog, Volpe (vole-pay). Volpe's name means "fox" in Italian because he looked like a little baby fox when we got him, but also mixed with a bear. A lot of people mistake Shina Inus for foxes when they see them at first, especially the red ones.

Factoids about Volpe

Age: 7 1/2

Eye Color: Brown (they look like raptor eyes)

Coloring: Black & Tan, but getting more white in age

Hobbies: Eating, Sleeping, Playing with his sisters, Nibbling his toys, Secretly (not-so-secretly) farting, Scratching his ears and smelling his foot afterward, Never obeying, Acting cute to get treats, Following his Mum around

Quirks: Scratching the fridge (and other home furniture) when he's hungry, Turning on his back when he's not ready for a walk and we are, Monkey noises when he gets riled up, A strange ability to eat a inhumanly amount of cheese, Letting anyone put hats, scarves, or glasses on him

Volpe really isn't like other Shibas I have seen or met. He is highly co-dependent at times, but can definitely be an ass when he doesn't want to be involved with humans. If the door is open for too long, he will flee and enjoy his 15 minutes of escapism; That is, until we lure him back with cheese. Volpe has an excess amount of chin, and it makes me happy everyday just looking at him.

More to come on Volpe, but for now, I will leave you with some videos I took this morning. I've been in Boston looking for work (which has been a success!) so he was really excited to have me home (my mom's house). He slept on the couch with me all night and took up too much space, per usual, haha.



And who would I be if I didn't leave you all with some tricks Volpe has mastered throughout the years? :)

My New Hero

If you don't know about John Hodgman, I suggest you do some research. For those of you who enjoy your fill of comedy and ridiculous, this is the man for you. He gave my sister and I the best booking signing for our soon-to-be Brother in law.

http://areasofmyexpertise.com/


<3

I've landed

IN BOSTON!

This Is Love.

Ace Enders.

I feel

so anxious lately. I need more structure and substance in my life right now. I have way too much time to do nothing, or focus on things that don't need attention. :/.

Meet My New Creation.

Handmade with the help of my sister, Rachel, and Mum.
Destination: Trumbull, Connecticut to my boo's residence.

Passions

One of my passions is taking care of children. Not even, merely bonding and connecting with them would be the better way to describe it. I think I applied to about 8 different care giving positions for children and animals in the past 15 minutes. I'm actually really surprised that I love children so much sometimes because I had that phase as an adolescent where I felt uncomfortable being about young ones. Now, I want to take care of all the kids of the Seacoast area. I am a firm believe that all children should receive genuine love and should be allowed to explore their imaginations. I also strive to be a positive influence and figure in a child's life because, well, it's just plain crucial.

I think I am beginning to understand why my mother loves children so much, as does her mother, and my grandmother's mother, and so on. I think I would be happy in life being surrounded by kids, even if they weren't entirely my own. Meaning, if I don't have children of my own I won't be devastated, but I will make sure I never give up on the youth in our world. They are just too damn fragile and important to simply let go of. I'm still shocked that I am drawn to childcare this much right now in my life. I guess it's triggered because of babysitting and having such wonderful experiences with kids.

This is a video of my baby cousin and myself playing Mario and Luigi on our own DS systems. I love him to bits. It's amazing watching him grown up and start to learn about the world. I remember being astonished at how smart he already was at age three, and now....lordy, I try to keep up with him! Maybe it was my baby cousin that made me adore kids again...who knows! I love him so much and I can't wait to see him grow more and be an influence in his development.

I hope another Cousin Day is soon to come!

LGBTQ+ Activism

UNH Safe Zones-


Check it out! Especially if you're close to the campus and/or go to UNH.

http://www.unh.edu/safezones/

I love this girl!

This is my roommate from Freshman year of college and I love her to pieces! Her name is also Hannah, spelled the same way and everything, and she is a beautiful person. She has the greatest laugh that triggers endless laughter in me and we usually have laughing fits for hours. I hope we get to love together again in our future because Hannah's stick together and we have such a blast with one another. Look at how beautiful she is! I'm one lucky person to have met her. I love you, Hannah! :D Shine on! We are so living together one day, just so you know. AND we are going to travel the world! WIN!

LOVES!

:)

I'm sending loving energy to one of my biggest heroes, Larry. Happy Birthday!

I met Larry when I was an undergrad at college and was thrilled the first time we met over tea. We had some of the loveliest conversations and he gave me such insights into the beauty of life, and even love troubles, which I was having at that time. Larry was the biggest mentor I had at this University and I feel my life has changed for the better because of him. In this picture you can see we are both wearing smiles and drum necklaces. I will never forget the moment he gave me this necklace. I had spotted it before I received it and I remember thinking, "wow, what a beautiful drum...I wish I had one!" Haha. I didn't expect to be wearing one by the end of the pre-graduation graduation. I was saying goodbye to Larry before I went to the big commencement ceremony across the way. After taking multiple pictures together, he unwound a drum in his hand and dubbed me with it. I will never forget the tears in both our eyes. The moment of immense change coming in both our direction. Me graduating and Larry watching his loved-ones start a new chapter in their lives. It was truly bittersweet. It was in that moment that I realized that the kind love we have for one another overpowered any evil or bad in the world. I have experienced such moments in my life, but never one like this. My fear of growing up and graduating subsided when I saw the pride in Larry's eyes. He gave me courage, grace, and happiness the day of my graduation, and I couldn't have been happier.

I carry this drum with me, whether around my neck, or in my heart. Larry is a human being that you can't find enough words for because he defies language. I hope everyone has someone like Larry in their lives because you truly feel loved and understood. Such a mentor and person is crucial and I couldn't feel more grateful than I do right now.

Larry,

You are such a brilliant and beautiful human being. I have never met a human being who has a heart as big as you and you inspire me everyday to be the person I am today. Please continue your powerful work because this world needs you. Shine on, even on the days when the sun doesn't feel close to you. We are connected and rooted in so many ways. The drum will always connect us and will always remind me of your incredible soul. Thank you so much for taking the time to get to know me because it did wonders. You give me hope everyday and inspire me to be an activist. Happy Birthday to you! :)

I love you so much, Larry. Peace on you and your loved-ones!

First Pair of Boots

Oh My Gosh!!

Smile.

So, I was rummaging through my belongings a while back before another big move and I happened to have stumbled upon my D.A.R.E. workbook. Epic fail. I had no idea what the concept of drugs and alcohol were as kids, haha. I remember a section talking about piercings and tattooing being a sign of being a juvenile delinquent..... Any who, this picture. My sister took this a year ago when we were Skyping because I couldn't keep this ridiculous picture to myself. This is from my workbook and it's a picture of who I am..."Not A Wanna-Be."

To me I look like a groooooovy-licious hippy stripper from San Francisco. Which, nothing against anybody who takes on these identities. I wish I could jump into my fifth grade brain and understand why my pictures always came out like this, haha. It never ceases to make me laugh because I turned out to be probably the more opposite I could be from this self-portrait.

My favorite part is that I had pump shoes and, you might be able to see it, I was going to have a long-sleeved shirt from those erased pencil lines. Whatevs, I'm a liberated and free woman always!

LALA!

1. Think positive thoughts. When you find yourself thinking a negative thought, stop it immediately by any means necessary. Slap yourself in the face, yell something positive at the top of your lungs or jump up and down. Do whatever it takes to get back to a positive mindset as such is essential for continual happiness and success. -http://www.highexistence.com/life-secrets-and-tips/comment-page-1/

Does anybody have any tips as to maintain a positive mindset. This is one of my biggest challenges in my adulthood. I never noticed the toll it took on me as a kid growing up, but I recognize I don't need to feel responsible for taking care of people. It's been difficult keeping up with positivity being in this weird transitional state between being a college student and an adult. I feel like an adult in every possible way. Honestly, I love it.

I used to think that having a positive mindset meant pure nativity. Now, not so much. I am able to conceive a realistic and positive mindset. I often feel that our culture is very restraining when it comes to feelings. One minute we're supposed to be strong patriarchs and then the next we should be self-mourning for all our pain. Seriously, we all just need a happy friggin medium. This is how I learned to have a happy medium.

1. Write as much as possible. Even if it's one word and you end up drawing a picture around it. Even if it's a conversation you overhead. Writing does more good than bad, in my opinion, and every time you pick up a pencil or type on your keyboard, your mind is expanding. Thus, you as a person are growing.

2. Look at the world through an artistic lens. No, you don't have to be a super artist to do this, but someone with an open mind. Pay attention to the miraculous details that surround us. Look at the cracks in leaves, or the way a tree bends, or even the way your sibling looks without makeup. Once you do this, you may feel you've been granted the grace of thoughtful perception as a person.

3. Laugh. Laugh your ass off as much as you can. I often get bogged down with politics and social disasters, but it's merely a choice. Choice to laugh and smile and not take every word so seriously in this world because it'll make you feel burnt out, I promise.

4. Love as many people as you can. Tell people you appreciate them and value their presence in your life because you don't know how much longer they will be by your side. Love through touch, words, smells, sights, laughing, sex, reading, ect. You get the point!

I always remind myself that I'm a good person at heart and that will take me far. People often overlook those who are genuine souls, but I promise you you are getting more from life than others simply by being that person.


__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I feel really bad for my partner. He's just too damn young to have a permanent nerve condition, possibly TM. I feel more aggravated because it's interfering to intensely with his future goals. He needs to continue his work with Positive Education/Psychology because the world needs it and, moreover, it's his new found passion. The distance has been really impacting me and my mindset. I adore having a long distance relationship, but there are most definitely trialing times where you wish the space could close a little but. I don't self-victimize because it's my choice to be here and I want is so badly. But there are many days where I want more. More passion. More kissing. More one on one time. Honestly, It's worth the wait every single time. I'm only having one of "those moments," but it will pass. Gosh, all I really want to do is cuddle and kiss him until the pain goes away and he drifts to sleep.

I have a habit of distracting myself with particular people, sometimes to a borderline unhealthy point. I can't replace anybody with anybody. Not my old best friend, or my partner. It's just so easy though because you don't have to think or feel emotionally vulnerable...until later. I feel so guilty whenever this happens, which is rare, but I still catch myself. It's not fair to anybody. Still, some nights there is sad silence in my head because I still don't want to come to complete terms with the changes in my life. I still have moments where I imagine myself verbally standing up for myself, but I fail to see my silence and acceptance as strength. Some days I just don't feel strong enough to think that I lost two best friends of over 10 years. I try not to take it personally, but, as you may imagine, it's a very personal happening. Still, my truth and fact is that I did the best I could, and I left on terms of my own. I can't deal with close friends not respecting me and thinking I will stick around. The old me would, but the new me will not, and that is a promise.

I just can't believe your gone sometimes and you're less than 10 miles away from me. Literally right down the street and, yet, life goes on.

Babysitting tomorrow! It'll be so nice to be around a young child again. They give me so much spirit and life...when they're happy little buggers. :)

I don't know who may be reading this. Perhaps no one but myself, haha. But I hope you having a wonderful night and you are maintaining a realistic, positive mindset.

Laugh!

Goal

The goal for today: read through this list and start applying the tips. Cheers all!


http://www.highexistence.com/life-secrets-and-tips/comment-page-1/

Indian Head is Photobombing

Probably the best photo of the Casey Ladies in history and all I can really focus on is the upper left hand corner. :D

Damn Burl.

Add some light facial hair and more tattoos and I could be David Beckham or Johnny Depp. Just sayin'. But really...I want to be CuDi!

Right Now Song

Dat New New- KiD CuDi


Things on my mind:

Trigeminal Neuralgia..my poor babe.

Why do I miss you and not miss you all at once?

Will we ever be close again?

I need a new hobby.

"I don't like what I need; what I need is me." -Cudder

I get really fed up with being this intentional with self-care because I haven't had enough practice for it to feel first handle. Perhaps it never even will. I have a hard time accepting that people move on and aren't held back by my absence. This should make me happy, though, because that would be I know what true gratitude is, no matter if I feel gypped. I can't wait to look back to this moment in my life and laugh about how ridiculous it was.

Yep.

I just want to give up on job searching sometimes. It's so early in the process to be accepted, but each rejection is such CRAP to hear sometimes, haha. Will I ever get out of NH? I need a job right now to be saving for Disney and loans. The two most important things right now. Blah, I just don't know what to do sometimes with all this free time. I'm glad babysitting will be starting soon because that'll give me some pocket money at least. I'm also not certain of how I feel about hearing second-hand information that mixes with my personal, first-hand. I guess I just gotta keep following what I know to be truth.

I'm going to do what I want to do today! PEACE!

Yes.

Happy Birthday to one of the most special people I know! I hope your day is full of excitement and love in the deepest kind. :)

And I'm sending out healing and strong vibes to my babe because his face and teeth and all out of whack. Poor baby. We'll i you soon! :)

Had a great night with my best friend and being scared of ghosts and noming on naan! :)

Was the recipient of drunken texts from a dramatic past and did not enjoy that in the slightest. :(

BUT, I made something better out of it, and acknowledged that this is the useless crap I gave up to take care of myself and live a better life. I am more than a drunken fool's blabbering crap. I am more than someone who doesn't know me, or my life right now. telling me what I should be doing, and only having the balls to do it when drunk. I am so free and done with these people and these careless attempts. This is what I gave up for my own happiness and I REFUSE to let this impact my joy and curiosity. I wish people learned respect and compassion. Perhaps one day, but only for their benefit, not for mine because I'm already half gone from their lives. I remain a ghost and a furthering distant memory. I hope that one day there is a realization that their life is more than who they are, that people back off for a reason, and if a genuine human being is disrespected time after time, they will eventually leave. It's time to move these feet fully forward. :)


Peace to everybody today.

Let me Just say

I meditated with Rach and my mind was very noisy and there was lack a quietness. This doesn't intimidated me though because I know I can change this. I plan on doing yoga today and more job hunting. I love how elongated I feel when my body is being stretched out. It prepares for anything that will come my way.

The job interview went well! I talked a lot, maybe too much, and stumbled over my words a little, but I made a great connection with the woman interviewing me. I'm not putting all my hope and weight onto this job though because I know it's a beginning no matter what my status may be.

I've been really worried about money lately because mine is running out on me. I need a job badly, not only for my sake and sanity, but also because mostly everything right now involves money.

I need to save up for: Disney, Loans, Rent, Meds, Work Clothes, and Co-pays for doctors/dentists.

I'm so ready to grow up though. Really, I am. And I couldn't be more excited about it!

Also, I love this boy more than anything right now! I wish I could kiss his face all over and wake up to him. Soon, baby. :)

Small Steps to Something Big

So, it begins. The beginning planning for a phone interview tomorrow, and a potential interview on Thursday. Also, your beginning. Happy T-Day.

Bad Dream.

I had an awful dream last night was definitely triggered from various conversations yesterday. I dreamt that Rachel died from some sudden accident, and to top it off, the next day I was driving a care with Dad in the passenger's seat, and we ended up in a tragic accident. My dad died almost immediately and I survived. I remember going to Dev in hopeless and desperate manner. I wrote, "Rachel died," or something along those lines, on a piece of paper and handed it to him. He looked at me with such sadness and understanding because he finally understood when my eyes went sorrowful and dark. He said it was going to be okay and that we could talk about it the next period. Then I burst into tears and said, "I killed my father, too! I got into an accident and he died!" The tears kept falling and although the situation was depressing, it felt like a release to be saying this aloud, something I didn't do until this point in the dream. I would go hours without crying and simply sitting in my place not eating and feeling completely numb. Then I would cry for hours on end. My friends were concerned but didn't know what to do about me. Dev then said he would take the next period off and we could talk about everything, that it would all be okay.

To say the least, I woke up feeling like total shit and scared that this was a reality. It was so painful. Thankfully it wasn't a reality! Rach helped me understand that, haha.

Mountain Meetings.

I am so grateful for the Clark family, and even more so that our families are becoming one. :)









Photo Credits: Rachel Ovaska, my amazing sissy.













I'm so happy Meg and Chad have been able to travel thus far in their journey together. They've been through so much and I've had the privilege of seeing their relationship flourish. It means the world to me that I was able to meet some of Chad's folks and I was taken away with their sincerity and amazing senses of humor. I love them all so much already after day one.

Today.

Today is a really significant day for my family as we will be venturing up to Lincoln, NH. We are FINALLY meeting Chad's family! After being with my sister for seven, perhaps more, years, we can meet his Salt Lake City peeps. This is a huge day for all of us. I wonder how conversations will go? It'll be so nice being with both my sisters again for a little bit. We'll have to control our hyper-offensive-vulgar behaviors, but that will make it more fun. I want to sleep for half an hour more before I officially wake up. Though, I probably won't be able to get any shut eye because of Paranormal Activity 3...which I happened to have seen last night with Hannah and Danny. Let's just say I need a slumber party for a while until I can recover. The night always brings out the worst of my fears, even if I know they're hugely impossible.

It felt really good to be putting my priorities straight this weekend. I had a completely different agenda, which entailed driving to Worcester, MA to surprise Aaron. It would've been great to have seen him again and his awesome buddies, but meeting Chad's family finally set in as more important after a day. I'm proud of myself for not being that obsessed, insecure, and needy girl who had to be with her partner all the time because of feeling insecure and unconfident so often. Sigh, I'm so happy we change a boatload as people. I've been wanting to get to this plateau of acceptance and realness because the old me was so exhausting and sorrowful. Now I can finally live my life and not be scared. I can also put my damn priorities in order on my own, not because I'm driven by fear and this yearning for control with my partner. It feels so nice to be free from myself. Because, after all, it was me the entire time who was running in circles that got me no where with self-care and self-love. Ah, clarity.

Also, Daniel Phillip Fryburg, you are my motherfucking best friend and I don't understand how I'm so lucky to have you still. You are simply grand. Thank you for being you because you've brought so much happiness and fun into my life. I think I wouldn't drown in lame-ass sorrow if I didn't have you always stickin around. Let's foster our friendship and connection because it's too grand for words.


Namaste.

Love!

A Forgotten Piece.

I'm so happy for you and your sparked life endeavors, but I can't help but wish ever single day that you treated me like I was special and like I was worth something more than drunken phone calls. I wish you were able to see how much I have given my soul, just to nourish your being from complete and total failure: death. I wish I felt like I was something more than a tarnished woman from you. I wish I had been seen as a strong, important, and rare friends. I wish you would understand the level of disappointment I feel every day, deep down, from your rejection. I wish our friendship was worth more than your romantic relationships. I wish you had listened to me and taken my warnings seriously. I wish you wanted to have worked on our friendship on the level that I did and tried to. I wish it didn't have to come down to one last night of abuse, only to have me be barely less than fully gone. I wish you happiness in all your life choices and I wish I could be there for them. I wish I even knew what to say to you. And most of all, I wish you could have treated me differently through all of it, because not I can only perceive you as a guy who didn't give a damn about me overall in this crazy world, only to left for a someone else you respected more. I wish it didn't have to be a choice, but that's what it came down to. You made a clear and obvious choice.

And you're not even here to be proud of my beginning work for my first work. You have no idea about it, what it's going to be about and how serious I am about publishing it. Like those major, yet simple beings, you will be a character in my story whose connection has been marred. And this is devastating to me at certain hours of the day.

Again, I am so happy for you and I wish I could still be there, having been your biggest ally. Which I still remain from a large distance where you can't see it.

Snapshots of our Lives

Sometimes I can't grasp the beauty of such nostalgic memories. Nor can I fathom why this place pulls my heartstrings so severely, just by looking at a picture. We all really should embrace where we've been able to go and what we've seen because, who knows, we might lose touch with it's realness. Namaste.

A Piece of Mind.

Autumn.

I feel inspired to write fiction and poetry lately because I've been reading Stephen King's insights about writing and reading. I think I'll begin with what I know: my life.

Update

This one's for you RACH!