Indian Head is Photobombing

Probably the best photo of the Casey Ladies in history and all I can really focus on is the upper left hand corner. :D

Damn Burl.

Add some light facial hair and more tattoos and I could be David Beckham or Johnny Depp. Just sayin'. But really...I want to be CuDi!

Right Now Song

Dat New New- KiD CuDi


Things on my mind:

Trigeminal Neuralgia..my poor babe.

Why do I miss you and not miss you all at once?

Will we ever be close again?

I need a new hobby.

"I don't like what I need; what I need is me." -Cudder

I get really fed up with being this intentional with self-care because I haven't had enough practice for it to feel first handle. Perhaps it never even will. I have a hard time accepting that people move on and aren't held back by my absence. This should make me happy, though, because that would be I know what true gratitude is, no matter if I feel gypped. I can't wait to look back to this moment in my life and laugh about how ridiculous it was.

Yep.

I just want to give up on job searching sometimes. It's so early in the process to be accepted, but each rejection is such CRAP to hear sometimes, haha. Will I ever get out of NH? I need a job right now to be saving for Disney and loans. The two most important things right now. Blah, I just don't know what to do sometimes with all this free time. I'm glad babysitting will be starting soon because that'll give me some pocket money at least. I'm also not certain of how I feel about hearing second-hand information that mixes with my personal, first-hand. I guess I just gotta keep following what I know to be truth.

I'm going to do what I want to do today! PEACE!

Yes.

Happy Birthday to one of the most special people I know! I hope your day is full of excitement and love in the deepest kind. :)

And I'm sending out healing and strong vibes to my babe because his face and teeth and all out of whack. Poor baby. We'll i you soon! :)

Had a great night with my best friend and being scared of ghosts and noming on naan! :)

Was the recipient of drunken texts from a dramatic past and did not enjoy that in the slightest. :(

BUT, I made something better out of it, and acknowledged that this is the useless crap I gave up to take care of myself and live a better life. I am more than a drunken fool's blabbering crap. I am more than someone who doesn't know me, or my life right now. telling me what I should be doing, and only having the balls to do it when drunk. I am so free and done with these people and these careless attempts. This is what I gave up for my own happiness and I REFUSE to let this impact my joy and curiosity. I wish people learned respect and compassion. Perhaps one day, but only for their benefit, not for mine because I'm already half gone from their lives. I remain a ghost and a furthering distant memory. I hope that one day there is a realization that their life is more than who they are, that people back off for a reason, and if a genuine human being is disrespected time after time, they will eventually leave. It's time to move these feet fully forward. :)


Peace to everybody today.

Let me Just say

I meditated with Rach and my mind was very noisy and there was lack a quietness. This doesn't intimidated me though because I know I can change this. I plan on doing yoga today and more job hunting. I love how elongated I feel when my body is being stretched out. It prepares for anything that will come my way.

The job interview went well! I talked a lot, maybe too much, and stumbled over my words a little, but I made a great connection with the woman interviewing me. I'm not putting all my hope and weight onto this job though because I know it's a beginning no matter what my status may be.

I've been really worried about money lately because mine is running out on me. I need a job badly, not only for my sake and sanity, but also because mostly everything right now involves money.

I need to save up for: Disney, Loans, Rent, Meds, Work Clothes, and Co-pays for doctors/dentists.

I'm so ready to grow up though. Really, I am. And I couldn't be more excited about it!

Also, I love this boy more than anything right now! I wish I could kiss his face all over and wake up to him. Soon, baby. :)

Small Steps to Something Big

So, it begins. The beginning planning for a phone interview tomorrow, and a potential interview on Thursday. Also, your beginning. Happy T-Day.

Bad Dream.

I had an awful dream last night was definitely triggered from various conversations yesterday. I dreamt that Rachel died from some sudden accident, and to top it off, the next day I was driving a care with Dad in the passenger's seat, and we ended up in a tragic accident. My dad died almost immediately and I survived. I remember going to Dev in hopeless and desperate manner. I wrote, "Rachel died," or something along those lines, on a piece of paper and handed it to him. He looked at me with such sadness and understanding because he finally understood when my eyes went sorrowful and dark. He said it was going to be okay and that we could talk about it the next period. Then I burst into tears and said, "I killed my father, too! I got into an accident and he died!" The tears kept falling and although the situation was depressing, it felt like a release to be saying this aloud, something I didn't do until this point in the dream. I would go hours without crying and simply sitting in my place not eating and feeling completely numb. Then I would cry for hours on end. My friends were concerned but didn't know what to do about me. Dev then said he would take the next period off and we could talk about everything, that it would all be okay.

To say the least, I woke up feeling like total shit and scared that this was a reality. It was so painful. Thankfully it wasn't a reality! Rach helped me understand that, haha.

Mountain Meetings.

I am so grateful for the Clark family, and even more so that our families are becoming one. :)









Photo Credits: Rachel Ovaska, my amazing sissy.













I'm so happy Meg and Chad have been able to travel thus far in their journey together. They've been through so much and I've had the privilege of seeing their relationship flourish. It means the world to me that I was able to meet some of Chad's folks and I was taken away with their sincerity and amazing senses of humor. I love them all so much already after day one.

Today.

Today is a really significant day for my family as we will be venturing up to Lincoln, NH. We are FINALLY meeting Chad's family! After being with my sister for seven, perhaps more, years, we can meet his Salt Lake City peeps. This is a huge day for all of us. I wonder how conversations will go? It'll be so nice being with both my sisters again for a little bit. We'll have to control our hyper-offensive-vulgar behaviors, but that will make it more fun. I want to sleep for half an hour more before I officially wake up. Though, I probably won't be able to get any shut eye because of Paranormal Activity 3...which I happened to have seen last night with Hannah and Danny. Let's just say I need a slumber party for a while until I can recover. The night always brings out the worst of my fears, even if I know they're hugely impossible.

It felt really good to be putting my priorities straight this weekend. I had a completely different agenda, which entailed driving to Worcester, MA to surprise Aaron. It would've been great to have seen him again and his awesome buddies, but meeting Chad's family finally set in as more important after a day. I'm proud of myself for not being that obsessed, insecure, and needy girl who had to be with her partner all the time because of feeling insecure and unconfident so often. Sigh, I'm so happy we change a boatload as people. I've been wanting to get to this plateau of acceptance and realness because the old me was so exhausting and sorrowful. Now I can finally live my life and not be scared. I can also put my damn priorities in order on my own, not because I'm driven by fear and this yearning for control with my partner. It feels so nice to be free from myself. Because, after all, it was me the entire time who was running in circles that got me no where with self-care and self-love. Ah, clarity.

Also, Daniel Phillip Fryburg, you are my motherfucking best friend and I don't understand how I'm so lucky to have you still. You are simply grand. Thank you for being you because you've brought so much happiness and fun into my life. I think I wouldn't drown in lame-ass sorrow if I didn't have you always stickin around. Let's foster our friendship and connection because it's too grand for words.


Namaste.

Love!

A Forgotten Piece.

I'm so happy for you and your sparked life endeavors, but I can't help but wish ever single day that you treated me like I was special and like I was worth something more than drunken phone calls. I wish you were able to see how much I have given my soul, just to nourish your being from complete and total failure: death. I wish I felt like I was something more than a tarnished woman from you. I wish I had been seen as a strong, important, and rare friends. I wish you would understand the level of disappointment I feel every day, deep down, from your rejection. I wish our friendship was worth more than your romantic relationships. I wish you had listened to me and taken my warnings seriously. I wish you wanted to have worked on our friendship on the level that I did and tried to. I wish it didn't have to come down to one last night of abuse, only to have me be barely less than fully gone. I wish you happiness in all your life choices and I wish I could be there for them. I wish I even knew what to say to you. And most of all, I wish you could have treated me differently through all of it, because not I can only perceive you as a guy who didn't give a damn about me overall in this crazy world, only to left for a someone else you respected more. I wish it didn't have to be a choice, but that's what it came down to. You made a clear and obvious choice.

And you're not even here to be proud of my beginning work for my first work. You have no idea about it, what it's going to be about and how serious I am about publishing it. Like those major, yet simple beings, you will be a character in my story whose connection has been marred. And this is devastating to me at certain hours of the day.

Again, I am so happy for you and I wish I could still be there, having been your biggest ally. Which I still remain from a large distance where you can't see it.

Snapshots of our Lives

Sometimes I can't grasp the beauty of such nostalgic memories. Nor can I fathom why this place pulls my heartstrings so severely, just by looking at a picture. We all really should embrace where we've been able to go and what we've seen because, who knows, we might lose touch with it's realness. Namaste.

A Piece of Mind.

Autumn.

I feel inspired to write fiction and poetry lately because I've been reading Stephen King's insights about writing and reading. I think I'll begin with what I know: my life.

Update

This one's for you RACH!