Goal

The goal for today: read through this list and start applying the tips. Cheers all!


http://www.highexistence.com/life-secrets-and-tips/comment-page-1/

Indian Head is Photobombing

Probably the best photo of the Casey Ladies in history and all I can really focus on is the upper left hand corner. :D

Damn Burl.

Add some light facial hair and more tattoos and I could be David Beckham or Johnny Depp. Just sayin'. But really...I want to be CuDi!

Right Now Song

Dat New New- KiD CuDi


Things on my mind:

Trigeminal Neuralgia..my poor babe.

Why do I miss you and not miss you all at once?

Will we ever be close again?

I need a new hobby.

"I don't like what I need; what I need is me." -Cudder

I get really fed up with being this intentional with self-care because I haven't had enough practice for it to feel first handle. Perhaps it never even will. I have a hard time accepting that people move on and aren't held back by my absence. This should make me happy, though, because that would be I know what true gratitude is, no matter if I feel gypped. I can't wait to look back to this moment in my life and laugh about how ridiculous it was.

Yep.

I just want to give up on job searching sometimes. It's so early in the process to be accepted, but each rejection is such CRAP to hear sometimes, haha. Will I ever get out of NH? I need a job right now to be saving for Disney and loans. The two most important things right now. Blah, I just don't know what to do sometimes with all this free time. I'm glad babysitting will be starting soon because that'll give me some pocket money at least. I'm also not certain of how I feel about hearing second-hand information that mixes with my personal, first-hand. I guess I just gotta keep following what I know to be truth.

I'm going to do what I want to do today! PEACE!

Yes.

Happy Birthday to one of the most special people I know! I hope your day is full of excitement and love in the deepest kind. :)

And I'm sending out healing and strong vibes to my babe because his face and teeth and all out of whack. Poor baby. We'll i you soon! :)

Had a great night with my best friend and being scared of ghosts and noming on naan! :)

Was the recipient of drunken texts from a dramatic past and did not enjoy that in the slightest. :(

BUT, I made something better out of it, and acknowledged that this is the useless crap I gave up to take care of myself and live a better life. I am more than a drunken fool's blabbering crap. I am more than someone who doesn't know me, or my life right now. telling me what I should be doing, and only having the balls to do it when drunk. I am so free and done with these people and these careless attempts. This is what I gave up for my own happiness and I REFUSE to let this impact my joy and curiosity. I wish people learned respect and compassion. Perhaps one day, but only for their benefit, not for mine because I'm already half gone from their lives. I remain a ghost and a furthering distant memory. I hope that one day there is a realization that their life is more than who they are, that people back off for a reason, and if a genuine human being is disrespected time after time, they will eventually leave. It's time to move these feet fully forward. :)


Peace to everybody today.

Let me Just say

I meditated with Rach and my mind was very noisy and there was lack a quietness. This doesn't intimidated me though because I know I can change this. I plan on doing yoga today and more job hunting. I love how elongated I feel when my body is being stretched out. It prepares for anything that will come my way.

The job interview went well! I talked a lot, maybe too much, and stumbled over my words a little, but I made a great connection with the woman interviewing me. I'm not putting all my hope and weight onto this job though because I know it's a beginning no matter what my status may be.

I've been really worried about money lately because mine is running out on me. I need a job badly, not only for my sake and sanity, but also because mostly everything right now involves money.

I need to save up for: Disney, Loans, Rent, Meds, Work Clothes, and Co-pays for doctors/dentists.

I'm so ready to grow up though. Really, I am. And I couldn't be more excited about it!

Also, I love this boy more than anything right now! I wish I could kiss his face all over and wake up to him. Soon, baby. :)

Small Steps to Something Big

So, it begins. The beginning planning for a phone interview tomorrow, and a potential interview on Thursday. Also, your beginning. Happy T-Day.

Bad Dream.

I had an awful dream last night was definitely triggered from various conversations yesterday. I dreamt that Rachel died from some sudden accident, and to top it off, the next day I was driving a care with Dad in the passenger's seat, and we ended up in a tragic accident. My dad died almost immediately and I survived. I remember going to Dev in hopeless and desperate manner. I wrote, "Rachel died," or something along those lines, on a piece of paper and handed it to him. He looked at me with such sadness and understanding because he finally understood when my eyes went sorrowful and dark. He said it was going to be okay and that we could talk about it the next period. Then I burst into tears and said, "I killed my father, too! I got into an accident and he died!" The tears kept falling and although the situation was depressing, it felt like a release to be saying this aloud, something I didn't do until this point in the dream. I would go hours without crying and simply sitting in my place not eating and feeling completely numb. Then I would cry for hours on end. My friends were concerned but didn't know what to do about me. Dev then said he would take the next period off and we could talk about everything, that it would all be okay.

To say the least, I woke up feeling like total shit and scared that this was a reality. It was so painful. Thankfully it wasn't a reality! Rach helped me understand that, haha.

Mountain Meetings.

I am so grateful for the Clark family, and even more so that our families are becoming one. :)









Photo Credits: Rachel Ovaska, my amazing sissy.













I'm so happy Meg and Chad have been able to travel thus far in their journey together. They've been through so much and I've had the privilege of seeing their relationship flourish. It means the world to me that I was able to meet some of Chad's folks and I was taken away with their sincerity and amazing senses of humor. I love them all so much already after day one.

Today.

Today is a really significant day for my family as we will be venturing up to Lincoln, NH. We are FINALLY meeting Chad's family! After being with my sister for seven, perhaps more, years, we can meet his Salt Lake City peeps. This is a huge day for all of us. I wonder how conversations will go? It'll be so nice being with both my sisters again for a little bit. We'll have to control our hyper-offensive-vulgar behaviors, but that will make it more fun. I want to sleep for half an hour more before I officially wake up. Though, I probably won't be able to get any shut eye because of Paranormal Activity 3...which I happened to have seen last night with Hannah and Danny. Let's just say I need a slumber party for a while until I can recover. The night always brings out the worst of my fears, even if I know they're hugely impossible.

It felt really good to be putting my priorities straight this weekend. I had a completely different agenda, which entailed driving to Worcester, MA to surprise Aaron. It would've been great to have seen him again and his awesome buddies, but meeting Chad's family finally set in as more important after a day. I'm proud of myself for not being that obsessed, insecure, and needy girl who had to be with her partner all the time because of feeling insecure and unconfident so often. Sigh, I'm so happy we change a boatload as people. I've been wanting to get to this plateau of acceptance and realness because the old me was so exhausting and sorrowful. Now I can finally live my life and not be scared. I can also put my damn priorities in order on my own, not because I'm driven by fear and this yearning for control with my partner. It feels so nice to be free from myself. Because, after all, it was me the entire time who was running in circles that got me no where with self-care and self-love. Ah, clarity.

Also, Daniel Phillip Fryburg, you are my motherfucking best friend and I don't understand how I'm so lucky to have you still. You are simply grand. Thank you for being you because you've brought so much happiness and fun into my life. I think I wouldn't drown in lame-ass sorrow if I didn't have you always stickin around. Let's foster our friendship and connection because it's too grand for words.


Namaste.

Love!

A Forgotten Piece.

I'm so happy for you and your sparked life endeavors, but I can't help but wish ever single day that you treated me like I was special and like I was worth something more than drunken phone calls. I wish you were able to see how much I have given my soul, just to nourish your being from complete and total failure: death. I wish I felt like I was something more than a tarnished woman from you. I wish I had been seen as a strong, important, and rare friends. I wish you would understand the level of disappointment I feel every day, deep down, from your rejection. I wish our friendship was worth more than your romantic relationships. I wish you had listened to me and taken my warnings seriously. I wish you wanted to have worked on our friendship on the level that I did and tried to. I wish it didn't have to come down to one last night of abuse, only to have me be barely less than fully gone. I wish you happiness in all your life choices and I wish I could be there for them. I wish I even knew what to say to you. And most of all, I wish you could have treated me differently through all of it, because not I can only perceive you as a guy who didn't give a damn about me overall in this crazy world, only to left for a someone else you respected more. I wish it didn't have to be a choice, but that's what it came down to. You made a clear and obvious choice.

And you're not even here to be proud of my beginning work for my first work. You have no idea about it, what it's going to be about and how serious I am about publishing it. Like those major, yet simple beings, you will be a character in my story whose connection has been marred. And this is devastating to me at certain hours of the day.

Again, I am so happy for you and I wish I could still be there, having been your biggest ally. Which I still remain from a large distance where you can't see it.

Snapshots of our Lives

Sometimes I can't grasp the beauty of such nostalgic memories. Nor can I fathom why this place pulls my heartstrings so severely, just by looking at a picture. We all really should embrace where we've been able to go and what we've seen because, who knows, we might lose touch with it's realness. Namaste.

A Piece of Mind.

Autumn.

I feel inspired to write fiction and poetry lately because I've been reading Stephen King's insights about writing and reading. I think I'll begin with what I know: my life.

Update

This one's for you RACH!

Today's thought:

Money is such a stresser.

But the snow is beautiful.

Final Blogging

Hey all! This blog is mad early because I have mad work to do this week and all through next week, so here are my thoughts thus far!

These presentations have been really wonderful this week, yet again! I love being surprised by the range of topics that people have read about and are doing research on. The books covered on Tuesday were: Then We Came to the End and Trans-Sister Radio. I enjoyed how different these books were and I found the covers online to be very provocative. The sticky notes as the cover for Then We Came to the End is really creative and appropriate for the story. I am interested in the cover for Trans-Sister Radio because it shows a naked person, whose gender is not explicit, facing away from the viewer.

Group four focused on Then We Came to the End, which interestingly takes place in an advertising corporation. I have never personally read any novels or even memoirs about a person, or peoples, experiences in a corporate position so this presentation captured my attention immediately. I have studied corporate America in a great deal of my classes and for some reason it never occurred to me to read a novel about it! This novel is written in the plural first person, which is called the “corporate we.” The character development must be extremely interesting to analyze in this book because even listening to the summary I could feel how suffocated and claustrophobic this particular workplace is. I like that one person is going to look at character development of Lynne, who is leading a lonely life with breast cancer. The group brought up a great point that by having the middle section focus on Lynne through the first person the story is made less comedic. The narrative lacks individuality when the corporate we is used versus the first person. I am intrigued with her character and learning about her struggles with breast cancer and being alone makes me want to read the book further. That sounds completely morbid, but we all enjoy a sad read, yeah? I loved the idea of looking at disease in the workplace socially, like gossip, and in the literal sense, like the workers who develop severe depression. Disease can be analyzed through many different lenses in literature and is a really creative road to pursue. Advertising is such a complex job position to have, but I can’t imagine it at a corporal level. I would probably be going insane like the characters seem to be. I feel that a lot of psychology goes into creating an advertisement because the point is to appeal and please people.

Group five talked about Trans-Sister Radio and it seems that many are going to be talking about the complexities of gender in some respect. The character Dana is interesting within herself because she is transitioning in a community that does not seem to be accepting, and she also has a girlfriend throughout her transition. It is very rare, in what I have read and studied, for a person’s partner to stay with them if they are transitioning. This brings to light the question of what sexuality and gender means. The group, taking into account the social and individual meanings of gender and sexuality, is covering this question. I myself do not know the answer to this as much as I have studied gender and sexuality in college and outside of college life. These two social constructs become harder to understand when you have both the accounts of society and an individual, and more so when you have a massive spectrum of individual definitions. Many people who transition don’t consider themselves the “opposite sex” or the “opposite gender” and some do not even call themselves transgender or transsexual. They just are. This is something a lot of people have a hard time understanding because as human beings we tend to automatically put labels on people so we can socially understand who they are, not necessarily individually. The topic of nature versus nurture greatly plays into the idea of gender because there is no one answer to which is more influential. The study of archetypes in literature and within this book is going to be a really great paper to read. I never would have thought of this as a possibility to focus on and it makes complete sense! What I am most interested in with this area of interest for the paper is where Dana, the character who transitions, fits into this archetypal spectrum, which is segregated into men or women.

Blog 13: Some Thoughts

The class presentations thus far have been really enjoyable and eye opening for me. I love the large range of topics that people experienced while they read their selected books. I have been so focused on tweaking and figuring out my paper that I didn’t fully think out even my group members’ ideas until they presented them! As I heard other classmates’ presentations I couldn’t help but get lost in their theses as well as connecting it to my own paper. I think that the rest of my group has some really great working theses and hearing them verbalize their ideas made me really think of all the aspects of the book. I hadn’t really thought through the idea of killing being an art form and how there have been people in our world that have performed such acts. I think that focusing on journalism and ethics is really neat as well because it seems to be such a controversial idea within the world of journalism. I have to agree that James Patterson is brilliant. To be a solid bestseller is beyond my understanding and to analyze the ways in which he structures his books will be valuable knowledge.

Groups one and two have some really interesting ideas surrounding shunning, violence, abortion, and New Hampshire as a setting. I like that both Without a Map and Nineteen Minutes dealt with teenagers and the pressures of society on younger people. I think that it would be cool to look at shunning and health rights overtime, as well as cross-culturally, for those who are focuses their papers in relation to these ideas. This may highlight the argument that some of you are trying to make. Banishment, rejection, and shunning absolutely affect the human mind and I agree that it can be more damaging than some other forms of punishment. To shift gears a little, I can’t stop thinking about how Peter views death as a change in environment, not as an end to a life. He has trouble seeing how death in the video games he plays is not like death in reality. When should we be sympathetic as readers towards the victims of society, victims of bullying, victims of shunning, and victims of psychological problems? I think we can all agree that we are working with complex characters that lead unimaginable lives. When do we all feel for the characters, if we do?

What has struck me most from these presentations of the theme of the complex human being, which is every human. Through murder, suicide, killing, the psychological damage of shunning, killing as art, and school shootings I feel the characters in these works mirror reality. What is creepier is that people do kill as a form of art and two of these novels are set in New Hampshire. I love hearing about the reactions of those who are living in that proximity, and to see how it affects the community. Apparently Nineteen Minutes freaked out people who live near Sterling, New Hampshire, because it was so close to home. It’s always amazing to hear about what literature can provoke within people, whether it be fear, curiosity, and any given emotion. It’s really neat that the author of Without a Map is UNH faculty and published a book based on her experiences as a pregnant teen in a very conservative and conventional community during her youth.

I feel that we have articulated and thought about the emotional limits within the novels this week. Group three is focusing on a book, which works with high school pressures, social status, school shootings, sexuality, and more. I found it extremely catching that Paul, the troubled teen who shoots up the school, kills only one teacher in the school and it’s the one who identifies as gay. Peter is made fun of by his peers and is accused of being gay, which results in being called derogative names. The group said that he questions his sexuality throughout the book and that there is a chance that he might be interested in men, maybe not necessarily gay. Homophobia takes many forms and I have definitely heard of cases of closeted people being homophobic or violent towards LGBTQ+ people. Yet, I still can’t fathom why this happens because it’s so psychologically warped. This ties into the “high school hierarchy and wearing masks” paper because in order to survive many teenagers have to fake their identity to maintain a good position on the social ladder. I am really curious as to where this paper will go because the idea of wearing a mask and repressed identities are such complex ideas to even start thinking about!