Damn Burl.

Add some light facial hair and more tattoos and I could be David Beckham or Johnny Depp. Just sayin'. But really...I want to be CuDi!

Right Now Song

Dat New New- KiD CuDi


Things on my mind:

Trigeminal Neuralgia..my poor babe.

Why do I miss you and not miss you all at once?

Will we ever be close again?

I need a new hobby.

"I don't like what I need; what I need is me." -Cudder

I get really fed up with being this intentional with self-care because I haven't had enough practice for it to feel first handle. Perhaps it never even will. I have a hard time accepting that people move on and aren't held back by my absence. This should make me happy, though, because that would be I know what true gratitude is, no matter if I feel gypped. I can't wait to look back to this moment in my life and laugh about how ridiculous it was.

Yep.

I just want to give up on job searching sometimes. It's so early in the process to be accepted, but each rejection is such CRAP to hear sometimes, haha. Will I ever get out of NH? I need a job right now to be saving for Disney and loans. The two most important things right now. Blah, I just don't know what to do sometimes with all this free time. I'm glad babysitting will be starting soon because that'll give me some pocket money at least. I'm also not certain of how I feel about hearing second-hand information that mixes with my personal, first-hand. I guess I just gotta keep following what I know to be truth.

I'm going to do what I want to do today! PEACE!

Yes.

Happy Birthday to one of the most special people I know! I hope your day is full of excitement and love in the deepest kind. :)

And I'm sending out healing and strong vibes to my babe because his face and teeth and all out of whack. Poor baby. We'll i you soon! :)

Had a great night with my best friend and being scared of ghosts and noming on naan! :)

Was the recipient of drunken texts from a dramatic past and did not enjoy that in the slightest. :(

BUT, I made something better out of it, and acknowledged that this is the useless crap I gave up to take care of myself and live a better life. I am more than a drunken fool's blabbering crap. I am more than someone who doesn't know me, or my life right now. telling me what I should be doing, and only having the balls to do it when drunk. I am so free and done with these people and these careless attempts. This is what I gave up for my own happiness and I REFUSE to let this impact my joy and curiosity. I wish people learned respect and compassion. Perhaps one day, but only for their benefit, not for mine because I'm already half gone from their lives. I remain a ghost and a furthering distant memory. I hope that one day there is a realization that their life is more than who they are, that people back off for a reason, and if a genuine human being is disrespected time after time, they will eventually leave. It's time to move these feet fully forward. :)


Peace to everybody today.

Let me Just say

I meditated with Rach and my mind was very noisy and there was lack a quietness. This doesn't intimidated me though because I know I can change this. I plan on doing yoga today and more job hunting. I love how elongated I feel when my body is being stretched out. It prepares for anything that will come my way.

The job interview went well! I talked a lot, maybe too much, and stumbled over my words a little, but I made a great connection with the woman interviewing me. I'm not putting all my hope and weight onto this job though because I know it's a beginning no matter what my status may be.

I've been really worried about money lately because mine is running out on me. I need a job badly, not only for my sake and sanity, but also because mostly everything right now involves money.

I need to save up for: Disney, Loans, Rent, Meds, Work Clothes, and Co-pays for doctors/dentists.

I'm so ready to grow up though. Really, I am. And I couldn't be more excited about it!

Also, I love this boy more than anything right now! I wish I could kiss his face all over and wake up to him. Soon, baby. :)

Small Steps to Something Big

So, it begins. The beginning planning for a phone interview tomorrow, and a potential interview on Thursday. Also, your beginning. Happy T-Day.

Bad Dream.

I had an awful dream last night was definitely triggered from various conversations yesterday. I dreamt that Rachel died from some sudden accident, and to top it off, the next day I was driving a care with Dad in the passenger's seat, and we ended up in a tragic accident. My dad died almost immediately and I survived. I remember going to Dev in hopeless and desperate manner. I wrote, "Rachel died," or something along those lines, on a piece of paper and handed it to him. He looked at me with such sadness and understanding because he finally understood when my eyes went sorrowful and dark. He said it was going to be okay and that we could talk about it the next period. Then I burst into tears and said, "I killed my father, too! I got into an accident and he died!" The tears kept falling and although the situation was depressing, it felt like a release to be saying this aloud, something I didn't do until this point in the dream. I would go hours without crying and simply sitting in my place not eating and feeling completely numb. Then I would cry for hours on end. My friends were concerned but didn't know what to do about me. Dev then said he would take the next period off and we could talk about everything, that it would all be okay.

To say the least, I woke up feeling like total shit and scared that this was a reality. It was so painful. Thankfully it wasn't a reality! Rach helped me understand that, haha.

Mountain Meetings.

I am so grateful for the Clark family, and even more so that our families are becoming one. :)









Photo Credits: Rachel Ovaska, my amazing sissy.













I'm so happy Meg and Chad have been able to travel thus far in their journey together. They've been through so much and I've had the privilege of seeing their relationship flourish. It means the world to me that I was able to meet some of Chad's folks and I was taken away with their sincerity and amazing senses of humor. I love them all so much already after day one.

Today.

Today is a really significant day for my family as we will be venturing up to Lincoln, NH. We are FINALLY meeting Chad's family! After being with my sister for seven, perhaps more, years, we can meet his Salt Lake City peeps. This is a huge day for all of us. I wonder how conversations will go? It'll be so nice being with both my sisters again for a little bit. We'll have to control our hyper-offensive-vulgar behaviors, but that will make it more fun. I want to sleep for half an hour more before I officially wake up. Though, I probably won't be able to get any shut eye because of Paranormal Activity 3...which I happened to have seen last night with Hannah and Danny. Let's just say I need a slumber party for a while until I can recover. The night always brings out the worst of my fears, even if I know they're hugely impossible.

It felt really good to be putting my priorities straight this weekend. I had a completely different agenda, which entailed driving to Worcester, MA to surprise Aaron. It would've been great to have seen him again and his awesome buddies, but meeting Chad's family finally set in as more important after a day. I'm proud of myself for not being that obsessed, insecure, and needy girl who had to be with her partner all the time because of feeling insecure and unconfident so often. Sigh, I'm so happy we change a boatload as people. I've been wanting to get to this plateau of acceptance and realness because the old me was so exhausting and sorrowful. Now I can finally live my life and not be scared. I can also put my damn priorities in order on my own, not because I'm driven by fear and this yearning for control with my partner. It feels so nice to be free from myself. Because, after all, it was me the entire time who was running in circles that got me no where with self-care and self-love. Ah, clarity.

Also, Daniel Phillip Fryburg, you are my motherfucking best friend and I don't understand how I'm so lucky to have you still. You are simply grand. Thank you for being you because you've brought so much happiness and fun into my life. I think I wouldn't drown in lame-ass sorrow if I didn't have you always stickin around. Let's foster our friendship and connection because it's too grand for words.


Namaste.

Love!

A Forgotten Piece.

I'm so happy for you and your sparked life endeavors, but I can't help but wish ever single day that you treated me like I was special and like I was worth something more than drunken phone calls. I wish you were able to see how much I have given my soul, just to nourish your being from complete and total failure: death. I wish I felt like I was something more than a tarnished woman from you. I wish I had been seen as a strong, important, and rare friends. I wish you would understand the level of disappointment I feel every day, deep down, from your rejection. I wish our friendship was worth more than your romantic relationships. I wish you had listened to me and taken my warnings seriously. I wish you wanted to have worked on our friendship on the level that I did and tried to. I wish it didn't have to come down to one last night of abuse, only to have me be barely less than fully gone. I wish you happiness in all your life choices and I wish I could be there for them. I wish I even knew what to say to you. And most of all, I wish you could have treated me differently through all of it, because not I can only perceive you as a guy who didn't give a damn about me overall in this crazy world, only to left for a someone else you respected more. I wish it didn't have to be a choice, but that's what it came down to. You made a clear and obvious choice.

And you're not even here to be proud of my beginning work for my first work. You have no idea about it, what it's going to be about and how serious I am about publishing it. Like those major, yet simple beings, you will be a character in my story whose connection has been marred. And this is devastating to me at certain hours of the day.

Again, I am so happy for you and I wish I could still be there, having been your biggest ally. Which I still remain from a large distance where you can't see it.

Snapshots of our Lives

Sometimes I can't grasp the beauty of such nostalgic memories. Nor can I fathom why this place pulls my heartstrings so severely, just by looking at a picture. We all really should embrace where we've been able to go and what we've seen because, who knows, we might lose touch with it's realness. Namaste.

A Piece of Mind.

Autumn.

I feel inspired to write fiction and poetry lately because I've been reading Stephen King's insights about writing and reading. I think I'll begin with what I know: my life.

Update

This one's for you RACH!

Today's thought:

Money is such a stresser.

But the snow is beautiful.

Final Blogging

Hey all! This blog is mad early because I have mad work to do this week and all through next week, so here are my thoughts thus far!

These presentations have been really wonderful this week, yet again! I love being surprised by the range of topics that people have read about and are doing research on. The books covered on Tuesday were: Then We Came to the End and Trans-Sister Radio. I enjoyed how different these books were and I found the covers online to be very provocative. The sticky notes as the cover for Then We Came to the End is really creative and appropriate for the story. I am interested in the cover for Trans-Sister Radio because it shows a naked person, whose gender is not explicit, facing away from the viewer.

Group four focused on Then We Came to the End, which interestingly takes place in an advertising corporation. I have never personally read any novels or even memoirs about a person, or peoples, experiences in a corporate position so this presentation captured my attention immediately. I have studied corporate America in a great deal of my classes and for some reason it never occurred to me to read a novel about it! This novel is written in the plural first person, which is called the “corporate we.” The character development must be extremely interesting to analyze in this book because even listening to the summary I could feel how suffocated and claustrophobic this particular workplace is. I like that one person is going to look at character development of Lynne, who is leading a lonely life with breast cancer. The group brought up a great point that by having the middle section focus on Lynne through the first person the story is made less comedic. The narrative lacks individuality when the corporate we is used versus the first person. I am intrigued with her character and learning about her struggles with breast cancer and being alone makes me want to read the book further. That sounds completely morbid, but we all enjoy a sad read, yeah? I loved the idea of looking at disease in the workplace socially, like gossip, and in the literal sense, like the workers who develop severe depression. Disease can be analyzed through many different lenses in literature and is a really creative road to pursue. Advertising is such a complex job position to have, but I can’t imagine it at a corporal level. I would probably be going insane like the characters seem to be. I feel that a lot of psychology goes into creating an advertisement because the point is to appeal and please people.

Group five talked about Trans-Sister Radio and it seems that many are going to be talking about the complexities of gender in some respect. The character Dana is interesting within herself because she is transitioning in a community that does not seem to be accepting, and she also has a girlfriend throughout her transition. It is very rare, in what I have read and studied, for a person’s partner to stay with them if they are transitioning. This brings to light the question of what sexuality and gender means. The group, taking into account the social and individual meanings of gender and sexuality, is covering this question. I myself do not know the answer to this as much as I have studied gender and sexuality in college and outside of college life. These two social constructs become harder to understand when you have both the accounts of society and an individual, and more so when you have a massive spectrum of individual definitions. Many people who transition don’t consider themselves the “opposite sex” or the “opposite gender” and some do not even call themselves transgender or transsexual. They just are. This is something a lot of people have a hard time understanding because as human beings we tend to automatically put labels on people so we can socially understand who they are, not necessarily individually. The topic of nature versus nurture greatly plays into the idea of gender because there is no one answer to which is more influential. The study of archetypes in literature and within this book is going to be a really great paper to read. I never would have thought of this as a possibility to focus on and it makes complete sense! What I am most interested in with this area of interest for the paper is where Dana, the character who transitions, fits into this archetypal spectrum, which is segregated into men or women.

Blog 13: Some Thoughts

The class presentations thus far have been really enjoyable and eye opening for me. I love the large range of topics that people experienced while they read their selected books. I have been so focused on tweaking and figuring out my paper that I didn’t fully think out even my group members’ ideas until they presented them! As I heard other classmates’ presentations I couldn’t help but get lost in their theses as well as connecting it to my own paper. I think that the rest of my group has some really great working theses and hearing them verbalize their ideas made me really think of all the aspects of the book. I hadn’t really thought through the idea of killing being an art form and how there have been people in our world that have performed such acts. I think that focusing on journalism and ethics is really neat as well because it seems to be such a controversial idea within the world of journalism. I have to agree that James Patterson is brilliant. To be a solid bestseller is beyond my understanding and to analyze the ways in which he structures his books will be valuable knowledge.

Groups one and two have some really interesting ideas surrounding shunning, violence, abortion, and New Hampshire as a setting. I like that both Without a Map and Nineteen Minutes dealt with teenagers and the pressures of society on younger people. I think that it would be cool to look at shunning and health rights overtime, as well as cross-culturally, for those who are focuses their papers in relation to these ideas. This may highlight the argument that some of you are trying to make. Banishment, rejection, and shunning absolutely affect the human mind and I agree that it can be more damaging than some other forms of punishment. To shift gears a little, I can’t stop thinking about how Peter views death as a change in environment, not as an end to a life. He has trouble seeing how death in the video games he plays is not like death in reality. When should we be sympathetic as readers towards the victims of society, victims of bullying, victims of shunning, and victims of psychological problems? I think we can all agree that we are working with complex characters that lead unimaginable lives. When do we all feel for the characters, if we do?

What has struck me most from these presentations of the theme of the complex human being, which is every human. Through murder, suicide, killing, the psychological damage of shunning, killing as art, and school shootings I feel the characters in these works mirror reality. What is creepier is that people do kill as a form of art and two of these novels are set in New Hampshire. I love hearing about the reactions of those who are living in that proximity, and to see how it affects the community. Apparently Nineteen Minutes freaked out people who live near Sterling, New Hampshire, because it was so close to home. It’s always amazing to hear about what literature can provoke within people, whether it be fear, curiosity, and any given emotion. It’s really neat that the author of Without a Map is UNH faculty and published a book based on her experiences as a pregnant teen in a very conservative and conventional community during her youth.

I feel that we have articulated and thought about the emotional limits within the novels this week. Group three is focusing on a book, which works with high school pressures, social status, school shootings, sexuality, and more. I found it extremely catching that Paul, the troubled teen who shoots up the school, kills only one teacher in the school and it’s the one who identifies as gay. Peter is made fun of by his peers and is accused of being gay, which results in being called derogative names. The group said that he questions his sexuality throughout the book and that there is a chance that he might be interested in men, maybe not necessarily gay. Homophobia takes many forms and I have definitely heard of cases of closeted people being homophobic or violent towards LGBTQ+ people. Yet, I still can’t fathom why this happens because it’s so psychologically warped. This ties into the “high school hierarchy and wearing masks” paper because in order to survive many teenagers have to fake their identity to maintain a good position on the social ladder. I am really curious as to where this paper will go because the idea of wearing a mask and repressed identities are such complex ideas to even start thinking about!

Breaking Silence.

Perfect Peace by Daniel Black is more than a novel, but it is also a place for silence voices to speak. Too many times have people faces countless injustices, which we can so perfectly see in Black’s novel through all the characters. This one of the major reasons why I love this book, that not one character faces troubles and prejudice solo, that it affects the entire community. Social injustices are present this novel through gender, class, race, sex, and gender identity.

There is one passage that I want to focus on because I believe it gives voice to those who have been maimed, silenced, and treated unjustly based on a part of their identity. Before Sol goes off to college he gives Paul the best advice he can give him as a brother. He says on page 218, “Just remember to be yourself. That’s all you have to do, just be yo’self. Some folks like you and some won’t, but it doesn’t matter. Not really. You’re the only one you have to live with. Folks ‘round here done talked about you real bad, little brother, and I’m afraid it’s not over yet. But I wouldn’t trade you for the world. Or change you. You’re the sweetest person I know, so stay that way, okay?”

The honesty that Sol gives to Paul is just plain amazing and beautiful. What better advice to give someone than to be yourself, really. Yet, the characters know as much as most readers that staying true to an identity can be close to impossible. It is evident throughout the story that Paul cannot be his true self because his environment does not allow him, and he doesn’t know who he really is. Few characters truly understand the injustices that Paul personally faces emotionally, sexually, physically, and psychologically because many fit perfectly into their expected gender roles. Obviously, there are more injustices in the book than gender, but Paul’s experience is more than difficult to ignore. I think that Paul’s character gives light to those in our world who don’t fit into the gender binary. It’s interesting to read this novel, which takes place in the 1940s onward, and comparing it to the 2010 experiences of those who have been silenced. Social injustices are more addressed in our time and I believe that we have progressed socially towards acceptance, but there are certainly still places that are unprogressive.

I like that Sol says, “not really” because there are times where other’s perceptions of us matter, or we make them matter. Black’s novel provides a number of characters that struggle with different parts of their identities, and it’s crucial to wrap our mind around the intersections. He also creates a story for the reader that is empathetic and sympathetic towards those who have been maimed for simply being who they are. Moreover, I think this novel is trying to give people that people are just people, and for some, living up to their true selves is a matter of life or death. It's truly unfortunate that some face violence, assault, and even death because someone has been made to believe that they are impure, or a disgrace to humanity in some way.

Community is crucial to surviving a traumatic and challenging life like Paul’s, especially when it relates to injustices. From my activism work and my understanding of people’s experiences from all backgrounds, I have learned that a community can move mountains. It takes more than the word community; it takes people that are committed to social change and social movements. I feel that in 2010 we are more able to find people who we can work with and promote social change. I believe that by sharing the voices of the disenfranchised we can expand and create acceptance in communities we never thought possible.We all have to use our voices and our words, like Black does, to show that maiming a person based on their sexuality, gender identity, race, class, age, and more is intolerable.

Revised Proposal and Annotated Bib!

Well, after narrowing down the topic I want to focus on and looking at the definition of “setting,” here goes nothing! This is still in the works and I need to read more about this but I would love ideas and suggestions if anyone has any, please!

Setting in The Postcard Killers plays a major role with setting and understanding character’s roles. The beginning of the Postcard Killer’s murders began in the United States and the move onward to all regions of Europe. Within this paper, I would also like to compare the cultural boundaries and walls between Jacob and the Swedish police because of their different exposures to the United States and Europe. Throughout the book it is evident that Jacob has a concrete opinion of how the European police work versus how he works back in the United States. Jacob is often labeled as “the American” and the European characters have a similar title related to their background. Jacob’s anger obviously surrounds his daughter’s vicious murder, but it is also directed at the law and agents he is working with across the ocean. The setting seems to displace Jacob and make him an outsider, especially with language because he cannot understand Swedish. Nationality is something people hold onto to stand their ground and the characters in the book, except Dessie, cannot stray from it because nationality is learned. It is based around setting in the way that the European characters have specific nationalities and Jacob has his own American nationality, thus differences and boundaries are created. There are no moments when the European and American characters don’t act their nationality. In this paper I will research how setting highlights the traditional associates with Europe and the United States and how the characters use their nationalities to define themselves.

Bhabha, Homi K. Nation and Narration. London: Routledge, 1990. Print.

Bhabha gives an analysis of cultural differences and how international perspectives are created. Interestingly, she incorporates Benedict Anderson and how he views modern nationalism as taking up space in novels. I like this book becayse Bhabha connects literature and narratives, like heroic narratives, to the development of real-life nationalism and the process of an one’s identity on a national level. I want to use this source to compare earlier literature to more modern literature and the effects they have on an individuals understanding of nationality and their surroundings.

Lee, Yueh-Ting, Clark R. McCauley, and Juris G. Draguns. Personality and Person Perception Across Cultures. Mahwah, NJ: L. Erlbaum Associates, 1999. Print.

This book will help me understand the differences between human biological characteristics (personality), which is at a more individual level, versus the study of culture, which focuses on characteristics within a group. Luckily, there are chapters that apply characteristics cross-culturally so this will be helpful. In many ways, this book is written for someone who would be studying or working in a different culture and it wants to prep the reader about why cultures are nationality diverse. This piece of work will help me understand why particular characteristics of a culture remain consistent overtime and as to how they are created and associated with the region.

Miller, David. On Nationality. Oxford: Clarendon, 1995. Print.

This book really breaks down nationality as a concept and it deconstructs the sub-categories of the topic. This will help my paper as a while because it will give me a solid foundation of how nationality shapes a society and the people. For example, some national identities create a hierarchy of power within that given region, which are then applied to other countries, like a cross-comparison as to who is more worthy and powerful. I can connect this to the relationship between American and Europe overtime. Miller also talks about government security, loyalties, and allegiances, which obviously shape the people inhabiting this particular location. This book will further help me understand nationality behind politics, leaders, and tensions between bodies of land.

Özkırımlı, Umut. Theories of Nationalism: A Critical Introduction. New York: St. Martin's, 2000. Print.

What I find interesting about this book is that the introduction states that nationalism is a passing phase in the modern centuries. Yet, The Postcard Killers show the tensions between people of different nations. Nationalism is talked about through various ideas, which include: war, ethnic conflicts, and crises. If I decide to gather real historical events then they will pair up well with the groundwork of nationality from this source. The author includes a modernist perspective from modernist scholars about the theories of nationalism, such as Benedict Anderson.

Ruland, Richard. American in Modern European Literature: From Image to Metaphor.

New York: New York UP, 1976. Print.

This source talks about the invention of American by the Europeans, historically and within literature. It shows what American has symbolized over periods of time, including speculation on the twentieth century. From a European literature perspective, America’s image fluctuates as an image of power, freedom, and more. Like the others, this book incorporates works of literature and historical events that show the change of America through history, social aspects, and within literature. I would like to somehow connect this to The Postcard Killers when Jacob goes back to the United States and how this setting differs from his European one.

If anyone needs good sites to go to for online articles or information then check out Wordcat!

http://www.worldcat.org/